Hiraeth
by addicted.strawberries
Summary: To end her pain, Ayuzawa Misaki makes her resolve to forget Usui Takumi once and for all. (one-shot) [SEQUEL: 'Tadaima']


**A/N:** **This is something I've been thinking for a while now and I just had to write it. The selective memory erasing procedure is based on the process from the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. All credits for the concept of the procedure goes to it but the rest is a quick what-if drabble from me based on the happenings on ch 61 of the manga :)**

 **This is somehow experimental? I would love to hear your thoughts in your reviews!**

* * *

 _ **Hiraeth**_

 _ **(n) a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was.**_

* * *

 _I've made my resolve._

 _Today, will be the last day that I will be thinking about you._

Ayuzawa Misaki stared at the necklace with the heart-shaped pendant held by her hand.

 _"I want to see for myself if a romance between us is really impossible."_

She shut her eyes tightly and pushed the thoughts further away from her head.

She's had enough.

 _Even though we managed to complete the love trial, you were the one who deemed that it is indeed impossible._

Her routine of falling in and out of bouts of pain started again; she clutched her shirt in an attempt to ease it but it was worthless.

It has been a year since Usui Takumi left her.

 _"When I become a third year, I am transferring to Miyabigaoka."_

Those were the last words she heard from him. He hasn't bothered her ever since.

But his presence is the one she needed. He, who so selfishly entered her world and captured her heart, suddenly left her hanging after those words.

Become a third year, my ass.

He became her sanity... her foundation of being which she hadn't realized until her world came to a stop and collapsed right before her eyes the moment he left her.

She was perfectly okay until Usui Takumi came and threw her world into a perfect disorder. He made her feel these emotions that were entirely foreign to her and sneakily creeped into her heart, easily residing there as if she had welcomed him all this time.

But damn it.

She didn't expect that it would hurt like this.

She didn't see it coming.

That the man she wholeheartedly bared herself to, would suddenly break his way out of her and leave her in pieces.

Everyday.

It hurts like hell.

This constant gripping sensation in her chest has become a reminder of the harsh reality she was thrown into.

And she feels so helpless that she cannot do anything about it.

She tried calling him, but he changed his number.

She tried going to his apartment, but as soon as she reaches the entrance of the building, she was blocked by the security.

She tried seeing him in Miyabigaoka High herself, but he didn't show himself.

 _How can you leave me hurting like this, Usui?_

Misaki let her tears flow for once.

She cannot live like this anymore.

It just hurts so much.

* * *

 _Selective Memory Erasing Procedure_

 _Instruction: Please bring all the things that would remind you of the entity you would want to have erased from your mind._

Misaki flipped the card on its back, expecting to see more instructions... but it was just that. Aside from the mentioned instruction, the clinic and its address, there was nothing more.

Three things.

There were just three things she kept that reminded her of him.

 _"I wanted to see for myself if a romance between us is really impossible"_

 _"This digital camera will be the present... that's what I'm thinking."_

 _"Merry Christmas. For the time being, the present is useful now, right?"_

Necklace.

Camera.

Muffler.

Misaki put the three objects in her bag and breathed out deeply. She has already decided.

Her attention turned to the sound of the doorknob to her room turning. In came her younger sister, Suzuna, possessing somewhat an anxious expression on her face.

"Are you sure about this, onee-chan?"

Misaki stared at her sister for a while before nodding her head.

"I've thought about it, forgetting someone you love who is alive or forgetting someone you loved who is dead?"

Suzuna just looked at her sister with peering eyes, not really knowing the purpose of her sister's statement.

"I actually don't know why I asked this," Misaki stated half-heartedly, scratching her own head, "but really when I thought about it, it doesn't matter anymore. Because when the pain is too overwhelming for you to bear, you just want it to stop."

Suzuna could offer nothing but her silence as she watched her sister painstakingly control herself from breaking down.

"It hurts so much, Suzuna. I just want it to end."

Suzuna reached for her sister and engulfed her into a hug, desperately trying to comfort from the pain that rendered her sister so helpless.

* * *

Misaki looked up from her current task of desperately trying to slice the green bell pepper into neat strips.

"Will you get that, Misaki? I couldn't leave this stew." Her mother pointed to the pot of stew she was continuously stirring for the past five minutes and offered Misaki a smile.

The sound of knocking on their front door came again and Misaki nodded, rising from her seat to get it.

She pulled the door open to reveal a blonde man standing at their doorway.

Emerald eyes which seemingly held a mix of intense emotions behind them gazed longingly at her. She was entranced with them for a moment, but soon found it uncomfortable for having gazed into them for so long.

"Y-yes? How may I help you?"

She soonafter found herself engulfed in the man's arms and it took her a moment before she pushed him off.

"What do you think you're doing?!"

Misaki was enraged. To think that this man who just showed up at their doorway just moments ago would act barbaricly to hug her.

A look of hurt registered on the man's face but it was quickly replaced with a look of guilt and determination.

"I'm sorry, Misaki." He took her hands in his and brought them to his lips, whispering words of desperate apologies into them.

His actions rendered Misaki speechless and immobile for a while but she pulled her hands back after gaining control of her awareness.

"Please leave, before I call the police. You seem to have mistaken me for someone else."

"Usui Takumi."

She stopped for a moment and looked at the man in front of her questioningly.

"I'm sorry but I really don't know you."


End file.
